JFG Takes Care of Twilight
by Jingle For Goldfish
Summary: Jingle takes the main cast of "Twilight" to task in regards to some of their more ridiculous behavior. Rated for language and adult content.


J.F.G. Takes Care of Twilight

"Bella," said Jingle. "I have a very serious question."

"What's up?"

Jingle took Bella by the shoulders. "What, exactly, do you see in him?"

Bella raised an eyebrow. "Edward?"

"Yes."

"Well…" Jingle could see she was thinking about it. She thought for a while. "Well, he… he protects me. And he's hot, but I mean, that's not WHY I'm in love with him. He's also very nice to talk to."

"Is he."

"Yes! We have the most enriching conversations sometimes."

"Oh do you." Jingle folded her arms across her chest. "Like what?"

"Well—take when I learned he was a vampire!" said Bella. "You can't really get more enriching than that! And we talk about me quite a bit. He knows all about Jacob, and that I was kind of in love with him, too. And we talk about Charlie, and Renée, and Phil, and Phoenix sometimes, and my life there, and—"

"Cool. Do you ever talk about HIM?"

"Sure!" she rolled her eyes. "He's a vampire. And he was dying of the Spanish Influenza like a hundred years ago, when he was seventeen."

"A hundred years ago? Really?"

"Mm-hm."

"That's an awfully long time. You two must have incredible conversations about all that time in between! He lived through the Civil War, two World Wars, and Vietnam, and he saw a tremendous upsurge of civil rights for women and ethnic minorities. That must be so interesting!"

"Hm." Bella's attention was drifting. "Well, we really don't talk about that so much."

"Oh I see."

"Yeah."

"Okay, thanks, Bella," said Jingle. "If you'll please step to the side, now." She cupped her hands to her mouth. "Edward! You're up next!"

In came Edward. Bella rushed to him. "Oh, Edward!" she gushed. "I missed you so horribly! Every minute—no, every SECOND was pure agony! Oh, don't ever leave my side again, Edward, never again!"

"Of course not," he said, running perfect fingers through her lackluster hair.

"Bella, could you leave us alone for a minute?" said Jingle.

"No."

Edward peeled her away and aimed her toward the door. "It's alright, love, I'll only be a minute."

"I can't imagine how I'll ever endure it." Bella put the back of her hand to her forehead and pranced out the door.

Edward turned to Jingle with a smarmy grin on his face. "She's really into me, huh?"  
Jingle fixed him with a glare. "Okay, buddy, you've got some explaining to do."

He spread his hands. "What?"

"Do you even like her that much? Apart from, you know, wanting to eat her, I mean."

He gave Jingle a sidelong look. "Of course I do. We're in love. It's totally reciprocated."

"So why don't you have sex with her."

Edward threw his arms in the air. "This again? Look, Bella's sweet and all, but she's really just a kid! I can't… you know."

"Then why not turn her into a vampire? You know she wants to."

"Because she's got her whole life ahead of her! She doesn't know what she's missing!"

"And why do you have to keep such close tabs on her whenever she goes over to the Quileute reservation?"

"BECAUSE I know that wolf has his eye on her!"

"And exactly who gave you the pants to wear in this relationship?"

He gaped at her for a second. "Excuse me?"

"Who put you in charge? Why do you get to call all the shots? You're withholding sex, refusing a perfectly reasonable request, and possessing her to an uncanny degree."

"I don't know why I'm listening to this."

"One last question. Does she ever withhold anything from you? You know, to make sure you play by her rules?"

"Right, I'm not answering that."

Jingle clapped her hands together. "Okay! It's time for my next guest."

Edward turned to leave, but Jingle stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "No, no, you stay for a little longer."

With an audible and characteristically insolent groan, Edward dropped into a chair and crossed his legs, glowering.

"Next up is Carlisle!" called Jingle.

The man entered with a glowing presence. "Good afternoon," he said smoothly. "How can I help you?"

"Okay, Carlisle, so here's the thing." Jingle spoke with the air of someone about to break up with a significant other. "You're a nice guy and all, but… well, you've got some serious drawbacks."

"I do? But I'm perfect. Just look at me!" He flashed a Gilderoy Lockhart smile that even sent a tingle down Jingle's back.

"There's no arguing, you folks are attractive. And, Carlisle, you really are an okay character. You're intelligent, worldly, kind as all get-out, and—of course—hot."

Carlisle grinned.

"There's really only one thing I need you to do for me."

"What's that?"

Jingle pointed at Edward, still sulking in the corner. "Please slap him upside the head."

The two vampires turned shocked expressions on their hostess. "What?" they said in unison.

"He's not a bad guy, Carlisle, but he's misguided," said Jingle. "He needs some direction, and since both his parents have been dead for some ninety years and the only grown figure he's really been able to grow attached to is you… well, that makes you the father figure, Carlisle, and as such, it's your responsibility to slap him around when he acts like a douche."

Carlisle looked puzzled. "I don't understand."

"Okay." Jingle took a deep breath. "You kind of… put too much faith in him." Edward rose from his chair and snarled at her, but Jingle stood her ground. "Look, I know he's been around for awhile," she said, "but sometimes… you give him the benefit of the doubt when you really, really shouldn't."

"Like when?" Edward hissed.

Jingle produced a copy of Stephenie Meyer's second Twilight book, New Moon. "Allow me to refresh your memories."

Edward pulled a face, which Jingle ignored. She flipped to the back of the book. "Okay, let's see," she murmured, flipping through pages. "Bella is skydiving, Alice sees her jump off the cliff… and Rosalie tells Edward that Alice saw Bella kill herself." Jingle paused. "Sound familiar?"

"That was a horrible experience, and I'd thank you not to bring it up again," said Edward through gritted teeth.

"Bear with me. So Edward puts two and two together—sort of. He knows he broke Bella's heart when he left (so WHY the hell did he leave in the first place, I might ask, but that's a question for another day), and, given Bella's voiced desire to die should the two of them ever be parted, it seems reasonable to Edward that perhaps Bella might have gone through with it.

"Just to be sure, though—absolutely positive, we're talking, before doing something rash—Edward calls Bella's home to double-check. Jacob Black picks up the phone. Does Edward know it's Jacob? Or is it a total stranger? We don't know. Either way, Edward asks for Charlie (why not Bella herself? If she comes to the phone, she's surely not dead). Jacob tells Edward that Charlie is 'at the funeral.'

"From these scattered bits of information, Edward comes to the sound and thoroughly investigated conclusion that Bella has, in fact, killed herself, and that 'the funeral' mentioned by Jacob must be, in fact, Bella's funeral. What Edward doesn't stop to think about is that if this is indeed Bella's funeral, why is there a strange man in their home answering their phone, and why would he ever trust the words of a strange man, especially given the subjective nature of Alice's visions? Even if Edward _does_ know it's Jacob… well, why isn't Jacob at Bella's funeral? They are clearly very close. Doesn't it seem odd to you? It sure seems odd to me."

Jingle paused here to gauge the reactions of her audience. Carlisle looked like he was catching on, and Edward actually looked mildly embarrassed.

Jingle continued. "So, rather than make a more thorough check-up on the situation, Edward decides he can't bear to live in a world without Bella and travels to Italy to have the Venturi clan kill him. When he and Bella return, Bella is distressed. She is convinced that Edward's suicide attempt is entirely her fault and prays that he will still love her, even after all she's put him through. For instance: she made him not have sex with her, she made him possessive of her, she made him not turn her into a vampire, she made him walk out on her, she made him try to kill himself… just to name a few."

"It wasn't her fault," Edward muttered.

"Aha!" Jingle jumped a little. "There you go, there you go, you're getting it: 'IT WASN'T HER FAULT.' But you couldn't tell her this on your way back to America, oh no. You just let her sit there and wallow in guilt and shame. Douchebaggery at its finest."

Now Carlisle was giving Edward a sideways look.

"Okay, so we come to the end of the story," said Jingle. "The plane lands. The whole Cullen family is there to greet the lovers. Edward has just made a royal fool of himself. Now: Carlisle!"

He looked up.

"This is your big scene. Now, it didn't happen like this in the book," she said. "In the book, you say something like, 'Glad to have you back, son,' or something similarly doting. Now, I have to ask: did you know exactly HOW stupid Edward had been up until now?"

Carlisle shrugged. "Not really," he said. "Much of what you just told me is news… although I did think he rather jumped to conclusions about Bella."

"You were frightened for him, correct?"

"Oh, absolutely. I thought… we'd never see him again."

"Right. Now you must have been a little bit angry."

"Oh—!" Carlisle looked thoughtful. "I guess I… WAS a little angry. But I didn't know why. Was that right? Should I have acted on it?"

"You were angry because your son was being an idiot," said Jingle. "As a result of his actions, he put himself, Bella, and Alice in the worst kind of danger—along with, indirectly, the rest of your family. If I were you, I would have been more than a little angry. And I would definitely have acted on it."

"Hm." Carlisle looked at Edward, who ignored him. "You know what, Edward? I think she's right. You are kind of an idiot."

"Thanks, Dad."

"Okay, so you know what you do?" said Jingle.

"Not really. I never raised kids, you know."

"Well, for starters, you slap him upside the head."

Carlisle did so.

"OW!" said Edward.

"And then you tell him he's been an absolute moron, and that if he ever does something like this again, so help you, he'll wish he hadn't."

"Edward, you've been an absolute moron, and if you ever do something like this again, so help me, you'll wish you hadn't."

Edward was aghast. "That was like… over a year ago!"

"Still," said Carlisle, "it WAS stupid."

"And don't get me started on the way he treats Bella."

Carlisle crossed his arms. "How exactly DOES he treat Bella?"

"Hey, whoa, okay?" said Edward. "You're right, you're right, I acted like an idiot, but it was out of love! I LOVE Bella, I do, and there's no way you can argue that away!"

"Well, you two can go have a conversation about how Edward told her out of the blue he didn't love her anymore and proceeded to leave her for—what was it—four months? Five?"

"You WHAT?" roared Carlisle. Edward actually cowered a little. "You told me SHE dumped YOU!"

"Well how could I tell her the truth, Carlisle? She'd just come after me again!"

"So let her come!"

"I was just trying to protect her!"

"THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE CHANGED HER WHEN SHE ASKED YOU TO!"

"That's right, you're getting it," said Jingle. "Now you two just continue this out here," she said, pushing them into the hall. "I have to call in my next guest." She cleared her throat. "Jacob!"

Jacob entered. He was enormous—bigger even than Jingle could have imagined. "What?" he said in an irritatingly brash tone. "You gonna rip my character to shreds, too?"

"No," said Jingle, "although I wouldn't mind talking to your father about HIS lackadaisical parenting techniques. No, I don't think there's too much we can talk about. The way I see it, you just have one small problem."

"Oh?" said Jacob, perking up. "And what's that?"

Jingle smiled. "You're a dick."

"Excuse me?"

"You're a self-absorbed, high-strung, moody-ass teenager, and you're even more controlling and objectifying than Edward is."

"How can you—!"

"You're all over Bella all the time, despite her already being involved with Edward, _and_ despite her persistent attempts to shake you off. I seem to recall her punching you in the face, only to wind up with a nearly-broken hand."

Jacob smirked. "That was really funny."

"Right, so, you force yourself on her sexually, she tries to defend herself, and it's just plain funny to everyone who hears about it."

"It was just a kiss—"

"I'm through with you. Go away."

Jacob did so.

"Emmett! Your turn!"

Emmett's head appeared in the doorway. He had to duck to enter the room. "Uh… I don't know what I was supposed to have done wrong," he admitted, looking contrite. "Please don't hit me."

"Don't worry," said Jingle with a smile. She threw her arms around his gigantic frame. "You are just like a teddy bear!" she said. "A great, big, huggable loveable teddy bear, and Stephenie Meyer is out of her mind for keeping you so far removed from the major storyline."

Emmett looked taken aback, but he seemed relieved to know he wasn't about to be rebuked.

"And tell your sister she's absolutely adorable," added Jingle. "Especially in the movie. If I were into chicks, I'd date her so hardcore."

"Who, Alice?"

"Of course Alice."

"Aren't you going to talk to Rosalie?"

Jingle scoffed. "I don't know what to say to Rosalie," she said, "and frankly, I don't really care. It's not as if she would listen to me, anyway."

"Oh."

There was a pause.

"I guess you can go now, Emmett."

"Okay," he said. "See you later." He grinned. "I'm glad you don't hate me," he said.

"You're probably my favorite character of the entire series," said Jingle. "Bye, now."

As Emmett left, Jingle put her hands to her mouth. "Can I please see Bella, Edward, and Carlisle again?"

The three of them entered. Bella looked completely confused, and Edward looked somewhat disheveled. Carlisle exhaled with a whoosh. "Jingle," he said, "this parenting stuff really sucks the energy out of you."

"I have faith in you," said Jingle. "Now, what did we all learn today?"

"Not to ever let my romantic relationships wind up as a young adult romance novel," grumbled Edward.

"Bella?" said Jingle.

Bella still looked confused. "I… I don't know," she said. "Are you asking me to think for myself? I don't really do that." She turned to Edward. "What did I learn today, Edward?"

"Okay, here's something," said Jingle, interrupting. "Your kid, Renesmee."

"What about her?"

"I know you're a total airhead. But naming your child after both parents' mothers in some retarded name-splice is just stupid. I want you to stop calling her that _this instant_ and change her name to something more normal. Like Rose. I think she'd make a very good Rose."

Bella pouted. "But Rosalie said she liked the name Renesmee."

"And then she probably went off and cackled to herself for about an hour," agreed Bella. "Rosalie hates you. She always have, and she always will. Just get used to it.

"In summation!" said Jingle, as Bella looked dejected. "The rest of you can now go off and lead happy, healthy, normal lives. Carlisle will stop letting his son get away with retarded shit, Edward will stop controlling Bella's life, Bella will grow a pair, Jacob will disappear from the picture entirely, Renesmee will henceforth be known as Rose, and Emmett will go on being his perfect, teddy-bear self."

"Hey!" said Edward. "How come he gets special treatment?"

"Because he's not a tool," said Jingle, sticking out her tongue. Edward was about to retaliate, but at that moment, Emmett rode in on a brilliant white steed. His hair had grown about two feet, and he wore a billowing gauzy shirt that displayed his rippling chest muscles in a sultry, sensual sort of way.

"Climb aboard, my fair maiden," said Emmett.

Jingle put a hand to her forehead. "Oh, my sweet Emmett!" she cooed. "Take me away from my boring humdrum life to live with you in the land of happy endings and racy sexual encounters!"

"As you wish, fair Jingle!" With one arm, Emmett scooped Jingle off her feet and planted her in front of him on the horse. They galloped away to a chorus of angels singing romantic music.

Somewhere, Nora Roberts wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. "It's beautiful," she whispered.

Back on our stage, everyone proceeded to get violently sick.

"Is that what we look like?" choked Bella.

"I've sure learned my lesson," said Edward.

"Come on. Let's go consummate our new take on our relationship with some quality time together," said Bella.

And everyone had lots of sex, and everything was good.


End file.
